GREG GUTFELD: Mayorkas is a border czar only a cartel could lovethedigitalchaps


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So, America’s least popular reality show is still going strong. Yes, I’m talking about the Bachelor Southern Border. Millions of illegal, most of whom seem to be healthy young men, are walking away from all the other gals in the world to cozy up to the world’s most eligible bachelorette. That sexy lady in the long, flowing gown. Yeah, the Statue of Liberty. Or as I like to call her, a six. I mean, come on, we could have done better. So many hotter immigrants. So a migrant traveling from Venezuela will literally walk through six other countries before hitting the Texas border. How do they do that? I go five blocks and I’m exhausted. So is my driver. Now, if you’re so desperate that you have to flee your nation on foot without a visa or even a passport, aren’t you desperate enough not to be choosy? Wouldn’t you be satisfied with the first reasonable option? Not everyone gets to marry the prom queen. I mean, I was dumped by mine. Because she was too much into cheerleading practice and getting good grades. That, and I was 48. 


But why come here when there are so many places before us with people who speak the language and have better food? Well, it’s simple. Roughly six seconds after his saggy, dented ass hit the Oval Office chair, Joe threw out a welcome mat that stretched from Washington to Tierra del Fuego. He may as well put up signs in Mexico saying, “Don’t stop! In a few miles, you’ll get free meals and sex changes if you murder someone.” I know. On top of that, the UN just presented a plan giving $1.6 billion to 17 Latin American countries, partially in the form of prepaid debit cards for migrants. Now, the UN gets 20% of its budget from us, so we’re actually paying the migrants to come here. And what do you know? Suddenly, the U.S. had roughly 10 million new contestants that decided we’re the one. Which is why it’s about time to replace the Statue of Liberty’s torch with a can of pepper spray.

Dec. 18, 2023: Migrants flood into Eagle Pass, Texas, waiting to be processed. (Fox News)

Metaphorically! It’s an analogy. Not literally. I don’t think they make them that big. Because the White House has turned the Statue of Liberty into a $10 waterfront hooker. No surprise it takes progressivism to its inevitable endpoint. You don’t get Paradise. You get chaos. No person is illegal. Everyone is welcome. That sounds great in my hot tub until the entire nation of Bolivia shows up, then it sounds great. So what’s the damage? Well, we got a tug of war over razor wire, an event verging on a constitutional crisis. There’s also the well-deserved impeachment hearings for DHS Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas, who looks like a cross between James Carville and a Kaiser roll. Mayorkas is a border czar only a cartel could love. So go ahead, impeach away. But let’s not get distracted. The administration has painted themselves into a corner, which is why they are now changing the rules. Suddenly, we’re being told we must negotiate, that we’re close to achieving bipartisan legislation. Bipartisan. Makes you wonder who they’re trying to buy. After all, why the hell do we have to negotiate a border? Wasn’t that part of the original deal? 

The truth is, we don’t need legislation. It’s not that hard. See, when the great orange wall known as Trump came into office, he instituted the policy called Remain in Mexico. Which, by the way, is exactly the same thing I told Menudo. And they did. But it was just that. An executive order, a policy issued by the president. All it took was a pen and a phone. Two things that Biden confuses all the time, which is why he has ink all over his face. So, like most brilliant ideas, Remain in Mexico, was simple and it worked. All it meant was that migrants traveling through Mexico to claim asylum here had to wait in Mexico for their cases to be heard in a U.S. court. Now, since progressives threw up every barrier to deportation they could think of, that could take three years. So, three years waiting around but now on the Mexican side of the border. Phony asylum claims would plummet when, instead of a luxury hotel, they get a motel six. No longer can you dream of trimming Nancy Pelosi’s hedges or screwing Arnold Schwarzenegger. 


And so, as expected, tent cities began to spring up down there. Mexico started looking as bad as downtown Seattle. And so quickly, Mexico started enforcing its own southern border to keep migrants out. Imagine that? Remain in Mexico was such a good idea, it created two different southern borders. But since this idea was Trump’s, it had to be undone. Which is like refusing to cash in a winning lottery ticket because you don’t like the cashier’s tie. The left hates Trump so much they come out against banging supermodels. Thank you. I think that deserves applause. So it’s not hard to see why the Republicans consider this supposed bipartisan border bill as dead on arrival as Joe himself. It should never have been alive to begin with. And to the horror of the media, Republicans aren’t falling for it. Which is why nutcases like Morning Joe now accuse Republicans and Trump of murder.

MSNBC’S JOE SCARBOROUGH: People, as Mitt Romney said, are suffering right now. Fentanyl flooding across the border, illegal immigrants streaming across the border, Democrats and Republicans in the Senate know how to stop it. And House Republicans and Donald Trump won’t do it. It is immoral. 


What’s immoral, you gasbags, is your phony display of outrage now, after three years of this crap. Either those two are stupid or they’re plain stupid. But they’re not smart enough to pretend to be this dumb. It is deep. Thankfully, unlike those bozos, we’re not falling for it. The point is, Remain in Mexico still works, and just as easily as Trump did it and Biden undid it, Biden can redo it. I mean, it’s not like we’re asking him to tie his shoes or acknowledge his own grandkid. No negotiations, no legislation. We don’t need to spend more millions on the border. That’s b*****. Hell, if you need money, take what you made from selling off the border wall and buy yourself a nice new pen. Then practice signing your name if you can remember it.